so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
