First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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