You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
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Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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