woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
