put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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