One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
