Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
