why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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