Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
