My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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