We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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