and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
