why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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