just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
