Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
