You can't motorboat a personality
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
