Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
