I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
