Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
