Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
