I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
