Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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