I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just want to make out with him forever
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
