Someone shit on the floor
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
