Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
soo... how was my night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
