I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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