somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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