If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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