If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
