Yo dont text me then not text me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
