i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
