Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
