You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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