She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
