Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
