I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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