OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
