There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
