Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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