Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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