Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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