You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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