Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just puked most of my soul out..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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