All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
