turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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