i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
