Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
