I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
