My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
