She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
