I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
