So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
