My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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