Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
