i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
