a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
