We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
