I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
