My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
