I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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