why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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