I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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